saved by grace but destroyed by naivety

saved by grace but destroyed by naivety

penguin_snot

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(no subject)	[Apr. 25th, 2006\|07:28 pm]
just a quick update ive been writing a lot lately and its been wonderful. i met this guy and he is beyond sweet...i hope it takes me places i would never let my mind and heart travel to. i have a lot of money. i bought a second cat, louis. he is beautiful. im moving out of the midwest within the next year and im not telling anyone. haha xo my other blog http://blog.myspace.com/thatssolame
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this is how it goes..

[Feb. 25th, 2006|01:52 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	calm	]
[	Current Music	\|	LOLA RAY	]

i recently decided to take a break from school...this has upset a few people. i dont understand completely why because my reason for taking a break is completely justified. i am BROKE. i cant pay my bills and i am in extreme amounts of dept because of the loans i have taken out and the credit card bills ive been racking up just to survive. i dont get any money from any family member and have been doing this on my own for the past four years and i need to recheck what im doing. so im taking a small break. when i say i will go back to school..i will. im not the person who says im going to do something and then doesnt do it. you should all know this by now. so if you really want to know my plans (cause ive made them..its not like i just decided to quite,say fuck it, and party all the time..cause thats not me) i am taking this semester off so i can work two jobs full time, save up money and then take summer classes at IVY Tech (bsu is just too expensive for me) and get an associates degree there in visual communications which shouldnt take me long at all because i have most of the classes already...then im going to take that and take a sememester at bsu if i have enough money saved up, which i should, and get a bachelors degree in general studies. it may take me longer than some people, but i will get it done. i just dont have all the resources i need right now.

and my friends that eveyone thinks arent truely my friends...you dont know the people i hang out with and they mean the world to me..just like you do (or at least did as of right now..that can change) and i will not sit and listen to you call people drop outs and say they are going nowhere with their lives because people arent the same and it might take them awhile. you dont know them or their lives so dont make judgement. its not you fucking place.

does that sound like im making rash desicions and makeing huge mistakes in my life? i dont think so.

and my mother and i have talked about it. mind you, my parents are PISSED about the recent events (not the taking break, but the confrontation that was out of hand) and they are a bunch of kids you dont want to see get pissed. what i do know is that people step too far over lines. just because we are good friends doesnt mean you can take drastic actions, get me in trouble, belittle me, and then expect everything to go back to normal. thats not me. if you want any form of reaction out of me, you treat me like a fucking human being. you sit me down (without police reports being filed please) and talk to me one on one. you dont yell and having a fighting match with me cause nothing you say will penetrate my brain cause all i will be thinking about is how much i fucking hate you. you sit down and talk to me.

and that NEVER happened..not about the alcohol thing.

so basically...its my life and i know exactly what im doing in it and im really the only one who needs to know.

thanks for your concern, it was much appreciated and i took your words in

but it will never be the same.

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(no subject)

[Feb. 4th, 2006|11:31 am]

[

Current Mood

content

]

pickles was declawed..she is doing really good!

i just remembered i have to take my writing comp test next week..im not worried at all about it..im just happy i remembered it!

amanda mcqueen did my hair...she added some bangs, evened some of it out, added layers, and made it look fabulous. i even have a pink weave thingy in it! score one for me for having a amazing hair.

i have been in a bitching mood lately and i think its cause ive been so tired..but im not going to make an ass out of myself by wasting both yours and my time complaining about it..bitching only gets you so far...except last night when chalice and i were bitching about nothing..well, i was bitching..she was listening..i cant even remember what i was talking about...i think i was complaining about being tired and how i was hungry...i dont remember..oh yes, and that i didnt feel good!

i was so out of it. anyways, it was pretty funny. cause it wasnt even good bitching..it was sleepy bitching...

okay i said bitching WAAAAAAAY too much there.

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(no subject)

[Jan. 16th, 2006|12:58 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	irritated	]
[	Current Music	\|	Yeah Yeah Yeahs.	]

imagine you find out your dad has Alzheimer’s and hes going to lose his memeory. wouldnt it just be easier for you to push him away? no of course not...but id reather forget someone before they forgot me. when i found out about my dad i realized ive done it to most of my friends. being forgotten is one of my biggest fears and to know my dad is going to forget who i am scares the shit out of me. so then what if others forget me? god. i know this is fucked up. ive been pushing everyone away by simply being a huge bitch. i realize that and i have tried to explain it to some of them. but apparently to one of them im just a huge fucking burden that should just be forgotten. thanks a lot fucker. people suck more than i could even express. i dont expect anyone to forgive me and everything to be okay but to just not even bother to make an attempt when i have is just low. fuck you.

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(no subject)	[Dec. 9th, 2005\|09:26 am]
yesterday was my last day of classes and i went to all of them! it was pretty simple. i only had 3. i actually only go to 3 classes a week. anyways. after i came home i took rae to her class, returned books (40 bucks) and then david and i went to buy stuff to paint. four people are getting paintings for xmas. sorry, i couldnt afford anyone else anything. those chosen know who they are. much love guys so then. it starts to snow like crazy and my little car couldnt handle that shit. so im swerving and cant see. i take david to class and go home and force rae to take public transportation. she was horrified! HAHA. so late last night we decided to go sledding. me, david, rae, and some odd guy rae knows went to walmart to buy sleds. now if i would have kept my mouth shut, we would have gotten them for 3.88 but i didnt and i had to spend 5.50 each! ugh! i spent 11 bucks on two stupid ass sleds. so im taking them back today. when rae can come with me and talk her way through it. its times like this i wish i were 85. they would never question an old lady. so we pick up my friend samantha and we go sledding! it was fantastic and fun my cat is on my lap and i have to reach over her to type. i have a cramp in my arm. im going back to bed.
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(no subject)	[Dec. 6th, 2005\|11:43 am]
well since everyone else is doing, ill make a christmas/birthday list..even though i wont get any of it. i hate holidays/birthdays 1. good books 2. orchids that i will never water and kill off quickly 3. shoes 4. my family to come see me so im not alone on xmas 5. booze 6. sex 7. bradon boyd laying in my bed..naked 8. my hair to grow faster 9. a million dollars 10. digital camera 11. Head Automatica CD 12. Transplants CD 13. Various movies 14. 2006 planner 15. more booze im one hell of a grumpy person. dont get me anything for christmas cause im most likely not getting you anything (with the exception of some people of course)cause im ungodly poor. ive been a HUGE bitch lately. and i dont think its changing. so get used to it. or leave me alone. i hate the holidays. and i think i hate the whole family aspect of it even more cause my family sucks and doesnt even bother with me anymore. i handle this fact pretty well except durring the holidays.. pickles is awesome at least. she is hanging from my clothes in my closet as i type. how fucking awesome is that?!
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(no subject)	[Dec. 3rd, 2005\|01:18 pm]
i know i shouldnt...but... Time started: 1:18 pm Full Name: Victoria Lynn Beall Single or Taken: single Sex: female Birthday: December 22 1983 Sign: Capricorn Siblings: 3 older brothers Eye color: blue Height: 5'6" Innie or Outie: innie What are you wearing right now: bathrobe Where do you live: Muncie Indiana Righty or lefty: righty Can you make a dollar in change right now: nope Relationships ------------------------------------------------------------- Who are your closest friends: David, Rae, Vanz, Mark, B, Ashley Where is your fav place to shop: Gap, H&M, Goodwill *Favorite* kind of pants: jeans Color: pink Number: 41 Boys Name: Bob Girls Name: Allison Animal: cat Drink: orange juice...long island Sport(s): monopoly..does that count? Month: October Movies: dear lord. Blow, Nightmare Before Xmas, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Mean Girls..i could go on forever Finger: i like all of them..i guess Favorite cartoon character: Sponge Bob *Have you ever* Given anyone a bath: yup, my nephews Bungee Jumped: no Gone skinny dipping: yup Eaten a dog: what?! a hot dog..yes Loved someone so much it made you cry: no Played truth or dare: duh. Been in a physical fight: yes Been in a police car: no Been on a plane: yes Come close to dying: yes been in a sauna: no been in a hot tub: sadly yes. i hate water Fallen asleep in school: yes Broken someone's heart: yes Cried when someone died: yes Cried in school: yes Fell off your chair: HAHA. oh yea Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: no. i dont like waiting Saved AIM conversations: yup Saved e-mails: yes Fallen for one of your best friends: yes, a long time ago. learned from that one though!! Made out with JUST a friend?: YES Been cheated on? no What is... ---------------------------------------------------------------- Your good luck charm: dont have one Best song you ever heard: this one is hard. tie between just like heaven by the cure and rock the casbah by the clash Stupidest thing you have ever done: i do stupid shit all the time Last thing you said online: im bored What is beside you: a lot of shit on my desk What kind of shampoo do you use: aussie chicken pox: yea. i had them down my throat and had to go to the hospital!!! Sore Throat: i get those all the time! Stitches: on my eyebrow Broken nose: nope Believe in love at first sight: no Like picnics: yup Like school: it okay i guess What schools have you gone to: chaberlin elem, goshen middle school, st.ignace middle school, goshen high, lasalle, wawasee If you were stuck on an island, what 5 people would you want with you: Brandon Boyd, Rae, David, Mark (and beer), Vanz Who was the last person that called you: B Who was the last person you slow danced with: HAHA. i think it was Ashley at work Who makes you laugh the most: Rae and mark Who makes you smile?: all my friends. Who is the last person ... ------------------------------------------------------------- You yelled at: rae Who broke your heart: an asshole Who told you they loved you: my mom Is your loudest friend: RACHEL Do you/Are You ------------------------------------------------------------ Do you like filling these out: when im bored..yes Do you wear contacts or glasses: contacts do you like yourself: most of the time Do you get along w/ your family: for the most part. Stolen anything over $50? i stole 6 martini glasses, but i dont think they were worth that much. Obsessive?: no Compulsive?: no Final questions ----------------------------------------------------------- How many people are you sending this to: posting it on lj What are you listening to right now?: Silverhcair What did you do yesterday: um...went to the mall, grocery shopping, got drunk Hated someone in your family: yes. my aunt is a huge bitch Got any awards: yup What car do you wish to have: Cadillac XLR Where do you want to get married: vegas If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be: um...id have better fingernails Good Singer: no way Have a lava lamp: yup How many remote controls are in your house: shit..7 Are you double jointed: no What do you dream about: i dont dream much Last time you showered: about half an hour ago Last time you took a bath: no The last movie you saw at the theatres: rent..the night it came out Black or white: black Root Beer or Dr.Pepper: root beer Mud or Jell-O wrestling: mud!! Vanilla or chocolate: vanilla Skiing or Boarding: boarding Summer or winter: winter Diamond or pearl: diamond Sunset or Sunrise: sunset Sprite or 7up: Sprite grape juice or apple juice: BOTH! Cats or dogs: cats! Coffee or tea: TEA Are you oldest, middle, youngest or only child: youngest i promise..its the last one of the year
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THANKS RAE	[Nov. 28th, 2005\|01:14 pm]
stolen from Rae McNasty 1. My uncle once: hit an bird and it exploded all over him. 2. Never in my life: did i think i would want a grilled cheese sandwich this bad! 3. When I was five: i had a kick ass swingset that my brother smacked me in the head with a bat over. 4. High School was: forever ago. i went to three different high schools so i cant be too specific 6. I once met: benji from good charlotte and he was really hot. 7. There's this girl I know who: doesnt flush all her poop down the toilet. sicko. 8. Once, at a bar: i stole 6 martini glasses 10. Last night: i said i was going to read but really fell asleep. 12. Next time I go to church: im going to punch my aunt in the head. haha. 15. When I turn my head left, I see: my bed and a salvador dali poster, nightmare before xmas poster, a huge hanging star, a poster of the band the used, a poster of from first to last, and a pickle on my wall. oh and my window. 16. When I turn my head right, I see: my closet that only has like, five things in it cause everything else is on the floor. and lots of shoes 18. How many days until my birthday?: 25 days 19. The last time I had sex: um. yesterday? 20. By this time next year: i will be in my 5th year and hating life! 21. A better name for me would be: my name works 22. I have a hard time understanding: half sweaters 23. If I ever go back to school I'll: like as in high school? um...i would uh..not do anything different. 24. You know I like you if: im not mean to you! 25. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank is: my cat pickles for always keepin it real! 27. Take my advice on this one: use good deoderant! 28. My ideal breakfast is: um...pancakes rock 31. My favorite blonde is: hilary duff rocks. sorry vanz! 32. If you visit my hometown: you would see lots of mexicans and amish people. 33. Why won't anyone: buy me flowers?!?! 34. If you spend the night at my house: you're probably getting laid..by rae 35. I'd stop my wedding if: my dress didnt look good. 36. The world could do without: half sweaters 37. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: wear a half sweater 38. Paper clips are more useful than: half sweaters 39. If I do anything well, it is: bitch and complain 40. And by the way: half sweaters are really fucking ugly and stupid 41. The last time I was high: saturday night..woops 42. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: nothing cause that would freak me out. weird shit!
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crazy ass feather earrings

[Nov. 26th, 2005|01:53 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	fantastic	]
[	Current Music	\|	vix & vanz mix vol. 5	]

alright. so im in a fantastic mood today even though some people would probably think i wasnt. last night i got tipsy and played monopoloy with mark and his roommate nate. i was winning. i was sooo winning but i was soooo tired. so i ended up just giving my money and property away and going home. so i got home and in my drunken state i did some soul searching and it was nice. haha. im so weird. i crawled into bed and had an awesome dream but i cant remember it. i just know it rocked.

and i woke up pretty early today..like 10 and am now just chillin before work. oh and i have these nasty ass feather earrings mark thought looked cool and snatched up for me. they are so ugly..im taking them back. it was a nice thought though.

i want A LOT of snow..like so much snow it goes up my pant legs when i walk through it. im putting my christmas tree up. my parents told me there was going to be no christmas this year, but im having my own here in muncie then! me and pickles are gonna wake up early christmas morning and opening the gifts i buy myself! ha! thats the way to do it, right?

i think david, rae and i should take a train up to chicago in january..u know, just a roommate thing since rae is leaving us. forever. im so sad. given its not till july or whatever, but its still too soon. *sniffle*

and im gonna go and do my hair or something. keep it real bitches!

xo.

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(no subject)	[Nov. 23rd, 2005\|10:14 pm]
ANOTHER SURVEY...cause im addicted to them. what can i say, i like talking about myself! Ha 1. Are you wearing shoes? nope! 2. What's the third letter in your name? c 3. How old is your pet(s)? pickles is about um...7 months now 4. What color is your underwear/boxer? pink! 5. Are you sick? i think i might be catching a cold...but nothing too bad 6. Are you in school?: college! 7. Is the bathroom open?: yup 8. Are you on a laptop?: no 9. Are you watching MTV? no 10. Are you smiling?: kind of 11. Do you have on eyeliner: not right now 12. what color are your eyes? blue 13. Are you blonde?: YUP! 14. Do you have a myspace?: oh but of course 15. Are you in high school?: nope 16. Name three of your friends: emily, david, rae 17. Does your school start in august?: yes 18. Did you go on vacation last month?: i never go on vacation! 19. Have you ever been on a cruise?: no way. im scared of water! 20. Do you have a sister?: no 21. Are you upstairs?: yes..i live in an apartment on the 3rd floor 22. Do you have a friend named alex?: YES 23. Does your name end with a Y?: no but a lot of people think it does 24. What's your middle name?: lynn 25. Are your ears pierced?: yes 26. Do you own a digital camera?: yea but i dropped it too much so it doesnt work now 27. Do you live in Florida?: no 28. Ever had sushi? sick 29. Are you listening to rock? YES! 30. What color is your chair?: black 31. Where did you get your pants?: vanity 32. Have you dyed your hair red?: yup 33. Are you tired?: nope 34. Do YoU wRiTe LiKe ThIs?: what? no 35. Are you an idiot? sometimes 36. Do you like being in a relationship with the one you love?: relationships make me nervous. im good at screwing them up. ive never been in love so i dotn know about any of that crap 37. Is Alcohol Bad for the Soul?: haha. no way 38. Are you bored?: not really. i have wontons waiting for me in the kitchen! 39. What time is it?: 10:19 40.What did you last regret?: wearing my chucks all day. my feet hurt 41. Chocolate or peanut butter?: peanut butter! 42. How many kids would you like? dear god, lets not think of kids.
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(no subject)

[Nov. 21st, 2005|08:02 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	content	]
[	Current Music	\|	gap favorites!	]

51 things you might not know about me
(but you probably do cause i fucking do these things all the time)

1. What is your middle name:
Lynn

2.how big is ur bed?
twin here, queen at home

3. What are you listening to right now?
Allison covered by Brandon Boyd

4. What are the last 2 digits in your phone number?
33

5. What was the last thing you ate?
taco bell

6. Last person you hugged?
Matt from work! haha!

7. How is the weather right now?
40

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Joe

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
their eyes definately...or smile...

10. Favorite type of Food?
dear lord i love cheese!! but i like chinese food a lot

11. Do you drink?
every now and then.

12. Do you smoke?
not much..only when im stressed or offered one! i dont buy them anymore

13. Ever get so drunk you don't remember what happened?
ALMOST. some things have been blurry

14. Hair color?
Blonde (with a bit of dark brown in it..had pink in it too, but now its gone)

15. eye color?
blue

16. Do you wear contacts?
yes. i wear them all the time

17. Favorite Holiday?
i love halloween its always fun. but christmas rocks cause i love everything about it.

18. Favorite Season?
fall

19. Have you ever cried for no reason?
well theres always a reason, but sometimes its unknown, even to me at the time.

20. Last Movie you Watched
boogyman..WORST MOVIE EVER

29. What books are you reading?
Understanding Japan, Confessions of a Shopaholic

30. Piercings?
um...lets see ive taken out a lot of them recently. my ears, conch, rook, cartilage, snug, lip, monroe, nose, septum, tounge web, 2 surface piercings on my chest.

31.Favorite movie?
nightmare before xmas

32. Favorite college football Team?
i dont watch college football. but i like chicago bears even though they arent college

33.What were you doing before filling this out?
getting ready to cook dinner

34. Any pets?
kitten named pickles and a dog in arkansas named honey

35. AIM?
TheEleventhHour3

37. Dogs or cat?
CATS..but i like dogs too

38. Favorite Flower?
orchids

39. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?
um..no i dont think so

40. Have you ever loved someone?
i love my parents

41. Who would you like to see right now?
my dog

42. Are you still friends with your ex?
well...no not really. i dont really hate any of them, we just seem to have lost contact.

43. Have you ever fired a gun?
BB gun! is that how u spell those?

44. Do you like to travel by plane?
the one and only time ive traveled by plane was durring christmas and it sucked a lot. i hated it. but i dont mind the actually FLYING part..i just hate the rest of it

45. Right-handed or Left-handed?
right

46. If you can be with someone right now who would it be?
either my dog or emily

47. How many pillows do you sleep with?
4

48. Are you missing someone?
yea kinda

49. Do you have a tattoo?
yes..5

50. Do you still watch cartoons on saturday mornings?
nope..im usuaslly sleeping or at work durring that time!

51. Are you hiding something from someone?
maybe

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(no subject)

[Nov. 16th, 2005|11:44 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	blah	]
[	Current Music	\|	"Lua" by Bright Eyes	]

im not sure what to write, but i feel like i need to write something..anything. for the past few days ive just felt nothing..if you can feel nothing..i couldnt explain to you. i cried yesterday. i havent cried in ages. its like everything hit me. i cant go home for thanksgiving, im poor, i hate my job, and i dont know what im going to do with my life. but now i dont really care about any of that. its past and now im just "blah"

so i dont know...ive taken up my time by reading, working, going to class (for once) and hanging out with ashley just to avoid having to face everything inside my head. i prefer to keep busy. but now its midnight and i have nothing better to. im tired and my mind is running. i need to take some pills and go to bed. thats what i need.

anyways. here are some song lyrics that just work for me this week.

"When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend"

"I’ve got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train
If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane"

"And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is"

**all from "Lua" by Bright Eyes**

I know..useless lyrics but i cant stop listening to that damn song.

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(no subject)

[Nov. 5th, 2005|12:10 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	relaxed	]
[	Current Music	\|	Lovedrug	]

alright! so its time for a real update and none of this "survey" bullshit!

ive been working..a lot. like, crazy..but its okay, keeps me busy. i make time for my friends as much as i can and i completely neglect my school work so its okay. ha. i know, my priorities are fucked. im hoping i dont suck as much next semester!

last night Ash and I hung out..we had SUCH a blast. we went to see the movie Saw 2 but it was sold out..mother fuckers. so we went to return these movies ive had out for like..two weeks. yea. talk about late fees! i had 25 bucks in late fees!!! JESUS!! it was out of contorl. so i ended up spending 40 bucks after we rented some more movies (note: we totally rented porn! HAH!)

so we decide to go to cheeseburger in paradise cause her boyfriend works there and we wanted to get some drinks..so we did..i got a bit tipsy while ash got drunk off her ass. it was fantastic! we listened to a cover band (they played a talking heads song....i almost peed!)

we then came back to my place to watch the porn with hopes that rae and david would join us! group porn watching is the best but they were inthralled with another movie so we went and watched it in my room..oh my god, it was such a sucky porn...it was like, different scenareos and there was this one where they were in different bathroom stalls and the glory hole and wow...it just sucked. then this guy was spitting all over this girl. not cool. oh well, we still had a blast. we had fun bitching about complete strangers and getting drunk! good times!

halloween was good by the way. ill have to put pictures up when i get some more. um, i have to go to work.

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